Not talking about it.

I haven't forgotten about this blog. In fact, it's very much the opposite. I feel like I'm constantly blogging in my head about what's going on during my day.

The problem is that I've signed all kinds of confidentiality agreements. I view confidential information all day. I am required to lock my computer when I walk away from it, lock all of my papers in the drawer and I have two badges. I certainly can't talk about work in the public onlinesphere.

But the problem is that I wish I could talk about what happens in my life because I know I'm not the only woman going through it. I almost called myself a girl, I'm not sure where the line is but I think I've been crossing over it.

For example, about 8 months ago, a girl came into work. I was friends with her at work and I could tell something was wrong. I followed her to the bathroom where I found her trying not to cry. It turned out that the guy she'd been seeing thought she had stolen money from him and he beat her up as her 8 month old watched.

Then there's the other side of the coin.

People keep asking my boyfriend when he's going to propose. And then he begins to worry and suddenly I'm reassuring him that no, I will not leave him if he doesn't propose to me in the next two years. That I really mean what I say, too. I really do. Seriously, I do.

But the rest of my life, I can't put here and sometimes that bothers me. Because in the 1950s women couldn't talk about having an abusive husband but now no one would think any less of them if they left him and never spoke to him again. There are quite a few things that were a total stigma to talk about 20 years ago that are now no big deal.

When does it become okay to talk about things? How does that happen?

Today as I was walking home from CVS I was thinking about how I should go to Giant Eagle and questioning myself for spending more than I should have on makeup. It was a 2-for-1 of "I should be doing ____ and I suck that I did/didn't do ____."

Then, I looked up and there was an Amish woman selling vegetables. Perfect! I need vegetables and I didn't want to walk to and from Giant Eagle with groceries. I immediately took out my wallet to pay her. She told me she was embarrassed about their display but their truck broke down and...

I looked at her in disbelief. I hadn't even noticed! Why was she embarrassed? She works on a farm and is able to stick to her beliefs totally covered in this crazy humidity. I was still going to buy vegetables and I certainly wouldn't judge her. I admitted to her that I'd been thinking that I should go to Giant Eagle but I just didn't feel like it and she laughed. I looked up, relieved and surprised that she'd laughed. I assumed she would think I was lazy. I mean here she is, growing vegetables and working in the fields and totally covered in super humid weather.

It was a moment of understanding.

I wouldn't just be eating my one Lean Cuisine. I would also be eating lettuce! And then I could stop berating myself about not eating fresh vegetables and how I should be doing better about losing weight/getting in shape/eating healthy, etc. etc.

Maybe that's the thing, though. We all do things that we worry people will judge us for doing. I had just spent almost 40 dollars on cosmetics related things. I admit it, I want to look adult and fit in at work. No, it wasn't organic and I will probably get cancer because I'm not very good about getting organic stuff because I don't have a car to drive to Whole Foods. I'm not very good at being environmentally-friendly and health conscious.

To run into an Amish woman selling vegetables after spending more money than I should have on cosmetics could have made me feel terrible. But after thinking about it, we're both just trying to work hard and be successful, even if it happens in two different worlds. I wouldn't want to be in her world but I don't judge her. She may feel exactly the same way about me, when I assumed she would probably think I was lazy.

Is it a moment of understanding that takes away a stigma of talking about things?


I hope so because I really wish I could talk about a bunch of things.

-Agent Ska-